I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I'm bleeding and have questions
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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