I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
