3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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