Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
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