When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Randomize
