i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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