I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Randomize
