Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
