This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
