the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Randomize
