I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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