If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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