I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Randomize
