Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
