so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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