The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
