i wish starbucks made bloody marys
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
