I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
