i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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