so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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