I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
