I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i just google imaged poop.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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