Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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