I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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