Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Randomize
