I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
