just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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