I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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