Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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