I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
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I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
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There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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