just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
