i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
