so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
