So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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