I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
