I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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