And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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