This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
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I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze