I will die if light touches me.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
home. puking in laundry basket.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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