Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
