Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
