so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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