non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
