The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
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what is it with giant penises always finding me
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
you had me at cake vodka
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
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He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"