New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!