I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.