If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
