btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
