I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
