I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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