I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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