a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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