I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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