dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Randomize
