are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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