How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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