as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
