In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.